In February 2012 I posted this article about my indecisiveness when it comes to starting a family.
So how have things moved on from there you might wonder?
They haven´t I have to report, if anything they have become more and more complicated.
I´m another year older, the house still has an extra bedroom used as a dumping ground and the marriage celebrated its 5th anniversary this summer. The biological clock is ticking very very loudly and suddenly one baby after another makes it´s appearance around me. I used to be one of many, now I seem to belong to a dying out species.
So what exactly is my problem you might ask. Well...I´m not exactly sure.
Fact is that I don´t particularly like children.
If I would I might have considered becoming a teacher - there is a reason why I haven´t.
I´m completely lacking the "awwwww is she/he cute" gene and my opinions about kids and babies range between "quite sweet and fun" to "ugly and boring nuisance".
I enjoy that my immune system seems to be fairly strong (three knocks on wood) and that I got through all of the winter without any signs of a cold or any other bugs. Al the people around me with kids seem to be ill constantly - dislike.
I absolutely adore my freedom. Being in the privileged position of not working and studying from home I can do what I want when I want. I live in two countries, go out in the evening at least 3 times a week and spend entire days walking through cities taking photos, drinking coffee or just browsing.
The idea that I would have to give up on all that makes me unbelievably sad. Sad to the point of wondering what of that certain unseizable something I call "me" would be left afterwards.
But then the coin has another side too. I hate the idea of dying without leaving anything, someone, behind. I don´t want to become extinct!
I like the idea of having a family of grown-ups. After all someone has to inherit all the shit I´m collecting all the time and as an only child with an only child husband once we go there won´t be anyone left.
Having a child gets described everywhere as such an overwhelming experience that I hate the idea of missing out on something so crucial! That thought scares me...therefore I´m somehow convinced (and always have been) that I must have kids. If only the process would be shorter, smoother and easier...with some reset functions.
Call me a selfish arsehole, that might be right I guess.
But the decision is unbelievably hard to make.
Reasons other women consider like getting fat, not being able to work full time, having a messy flat don´t affect me for obvious reasons - I should have five kids by now if that would be all ;-)
When we recently talked about changing my dressing room into a nursery my first and honest reaction was an indignant "But that is MY room". Hmm...Sometimes I wonder if I´m still behaving like a child so the thought of looking after one myself is so strange.
Unfortunately I´m feeling that I would deprive my very much grown-up husband if I would simply say no and that seems more than unfair.
Wouldn´t it be lovely if you could have your own child as a trial version with the option to not renew the contract if you find it actually more tedious than rewarding (and please dont hate me for this thought...I´m sure many women must have had it before but just where too scared to say it out loud).
I´m sure (at least I´m trying to tell me that) that once it all has happened I will look back at posts like this and shake my head thinking how stupid, naive and immature I have been...well, doesn´t help me right now though, does it!?!
I envy people who have clear feelings and especially those who are not so damn thoughtful as our lot. I´m really tortured by that self-made dilemma and Ì´m feeling stuck between all the "I´m pregnant" updates. I´m happy to start a family, I´m happy to declare I´m not going to ever - I just want to get a decision that I can support 100%.
I´m curious now to hear from you (after all, that´s what a blog is for after all)!
What are your thoughts on the matter? Do you have children or not? Did you always want some or did you grow into your role as a mother? Did you decide against children and maybe regret it?
And as I just got demonised by a (childless but broody) friend for having all the wrong motivations for having a baby: Why do you want to have children - and please send me everything and not the streamlined, approved by society ideas!
Have a good week :-)
PS: And then comes this beautiful Madonna like photo and starts the turmoil all over again*sigh